...What is Love ?

Recently, I've been thinking about it again... a lot actually. People tend to talk, to fall into, to think or need, want - love. But Love is such a vague thing to actually explain or give a description, meaning... or even more, to really define the same to everyone. It's nothing like yellow is yellow, black and white is a mixture of colours or more than that, an exact feeling like when you feel as if you're getting sick with all the 'hints' of it. Or it actually has all that ? Dare I say...

Must be because recently, I've got back in to my circle of stable life routine again, after a year of hectic, after a period of love and hatred came and gone, after a relief for the past and a better look in the future paths.

Or even better, must be because recently, I feel cared and warmth again - and wanting to start to care back, even just a tiny little step of a vague emotion.

But once you feel there's something special started in you. You get panic. No, actually not with everyone I guess, I felt panic everytime something good or too good is happening...

I'm scared of giving the good sides on the first impression. And yet, there's the ugly side that people doesnt usually see at first, the more they know, the more they would want to back up. Somehow when I starts to trust people enough to be comfortable around them, somehow they would want to get away. Could it be the reason why I'm still searching for the real meaning of love...

So we back to the question.

I used to think about couple's love is something magical. Must be all the romantic novels ate my mind with it :) - cant blame them. Life is all magical when you're little and believed in princess and prince.

Even though, reality came early in a way I never wanted to, knowing life is cruel with its own burden. Yet I still choose to believe in magic whenever I fell for someone... even just at the first liking. I still believe in my sense towards people - when there's something special in them or something I would want to hold onto, I will know. And so on, I live with that believe til now.

Love used to be a 'happily-ever-after good nights stories'. My dad read for me when I was around 3-4years old. It's all about good ending, happy people.

When I was more grown up, news, knowledges or even the surrounding, the way people talks, the way they view life, the way they look at life with a careful-eyes, the way they warn 'you' about how life could be or could treat you if you're not careful with your feeling towards others - it made me feel as if, love is one of the most dangerous thing.

I supposed, love after all, is dangerous... that's why human still try to challenge it, to understand it,try to explain or searching for it every day in - day out besides sleep - feed - work.
Who can really say they can live in solitude ? No, I wouldnt trust on them, I wont bet money on their saying... 'cause the more they are sure... the more they actually need love than anyone else admitted it.

That doesnt mean being solitude is impossible. Solitude is just a thing when people so used to being left alone, they forgot how they were when they are surrounding by people with love and care. Solitude sometimes is just a scene you got caught up inside with other stuffs in your life and you'd thought - I've got everything I could ask for, who needs love anyway ?

Yes but I'm not playing 'doctor-of-love' here, right. I'm just asking myself the same millions-dollars-question.

Right. So when you're not old enough to experience love, love is coming to you through the eyes of people around you. Like I saw it through my parents' relationship, through things happened to others couple - there were fights as well as precious moments, there were things like songs, movies praise love as well as sad news about it. Everywhere. Everyday.

And I actually was afraid of falling in love. Scared I would give it to a wrong one - the one not really see me for who I am but see how things revolving around my life. Or worse, some uses love just to challenge themselves or just to ease their boredom - a change, a new spice...

When I actually experienced love. It was happiness and pain.

Walking through it, I had my fair share of heart-breaks as well as broke someone else's.

Sometimes I still wonder, was it love at all ?... have I ever been in love ?

At first, it could just be a deep impression on that person. So deep and overwhelmed attraction that you cant resist but have to be close/around them, have to get to know them. It's that the first thing happen ?

And then, by the time you see all the good. You would have thought, I want this person to stay in my life - that's when you told yourself, I'm falling in love with them - Is it true ?

And you would try to do everything to keep them there - in your life.

But - there's always gonna be a Big 'But' in everything. That's the side of life.

When they stayed. When you discovered all the good. Oh no, actually you did saw the bad but you decided to keep it aside until you saw all the good then you'll turn to the corner of 'bad' which you thrown aside and start to look at it more careful. That's when love could turn into painfully experiences - I guess.

So were you actually in love with that same person at all. Did they change during the time you two were in love and turned out beside good stuffs, also bad stuffs in them ?

Or in fact, you were too caught up in your own fantasy about them, you presumed it was love ? when you havent really love at all but love the idea of being in love only ?

And last but not least, some overcome that, learnt to love that same person with a new way - a better way - that's when love starts to bloom I think... when some can not, that's when heart-breaks and hatred come in and take over.

Along the way, somehow, some way, I lost part of my faith in love - thinking: why should we letting ourselves falling for someone and yet, mostly at the end, we end up with nothing just like when we first started ? Oh you can argue about taking risks. I did. Still do with my-own-self actually. But truly, how can we be so sure that we would find love when there's no definition for it...

So,

Love is just the moments ... when you all happy and cuddly, when you see a bright high-way, full speed ?

or to really say Love someone, actually takes time and efforts, in a long progress that we can only stop to take a break once in a while but cant full stop and think... "oh it would drive itself there with us".

I always believe the second one. Even though, after years has gone, I would say... to find someone actually have that patience, to let the feeling grow and knowing when it's blooming - that is one of the hardest thing ever since not many have the patience or dare to dream, dare to risk the wait but mostly are scared of wasting their efforts on something that they can not see the future of it.

Hmmm. Seems like, I choose a dead-end.

Anyway, a girl dare to dream. Human lives with dreams. Or I always joked about it: you can dream cause noone charge you for it. Dream on :D.

Happy Valentine to You (whoever is reading this). Just in the mood of love tonight, want to share with you.

That's all for now.

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